Without a doubt an account of an in depth buddy of my own known as Angry Vagina. One sexually frustrated day, she chooses to join a mobile relationship app against the woman better view. Dared to sign up by a Penis Custodian pal of hers (technically maybe not bangable caused by “nobody’s drilling company”) the woman is unable to resist the challenge and so opens herself generally and blissfully for the possibilities.

Hence we begin our story from the popular furious V as she packages the application onto Rose-Goldie the new iphone 4, putting the woman 6 best photographs including a star headlining image as presented below.

Offered limited space to articulate the woman greatness, she’s after that compelled to condense her unbelievable biography into some boner-inducing contours and completes the woman profile to perfection. And almost like miraculous, mushroom-head proprietors prepared for assessment immediately show up on her feed.

Per online dating app policies, furious Vagina must swipe remaining if a specimen makes her dried out as an item of sandpaper or else disgusts her. Instead she must swipe right if she wants to use brand new shaft concerned.

Below we have the privilege of observing the woman stream of consciousness as she sifts through the influx of moping scarecrows together with her new iphone 4.

Would we bang that man? No.

(Swipes kept)


Would we bang that guy? No.

(Swipes left)


Would I bang that man? No.

(Swipes left)

Would I bang that man? Maybe. Umm.

Recalling the significant fairy tales of her youthfulness, Angry Vagina unexpectedly feels guilty for being very low and lends more soul to her “swipage” as she goes on her look for Prince Charming.

Behold! me personally is completely new princess nameth “Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty”. We hath talked.

(furious V thus reinvents the fairy-tale online dating narrative, but this time around for the style of

Rapunzel

. Armed with boner in the place of sword, Prince slays impoverishment dragon in order to purchase pricey new iphone. He now climbs enchanted line of cyber pubic hair, ascends dating-app tower. At orgasm of tower, upset V shoves him off dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong vocals . . .)

Quick like gay black guys near me small dog. Pretends to get large.

(Swipes left)

Cycle man likes spandex. Balls not big enough. Kindly mount bike as opposed to lady.

(Swipes kept)

Wealth listed in profile. Congratulations! Get thyself plastic pussy.

(Swipes kept)

Too-young. Like teen. Premature spooge probably.

(Swipes remaining.)

The reason why very bald all the time?

(Swipes kept)

“Entrepreneur”. No unemployed men enabled.

(Swipes remaining)

Cat hater?!

(Swipes remaining, punches phone-in face, inserts profile pic of one-true-love “Kitteh”.)

(ongoing as if hooked.)

Program professional pretending becoming fascinating rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes left)

Amazing abs. Avoid butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes remaining)

Too-much mustache. Face forest outcompete old growth woodland of crazy Vagina.

(Swipes kept)

Gym selfies merely? How ’bout knob pushups.

(Swipes remaining)

Oooooh! some body is actually hat lover. Must certanly be covering bald spot.

(Swipes kept)

You live WHEREIN? Or is that in which you park the car . . .

(Swipes remaining)



Wow you like activities? Fascinating. Among sort. Time and energy to delete online dating application to get married.

(Swipes remaining)



You like to SEXT? Where is middle finger emoji . . .

(Swipes left)

Shows themselves in image next to sexier man. Dumbass.

(Swipes kept)

Claims to be challenging it is your own teacher.

(Swipes left)

Children? Lady boner dead.

(Swipes remaining)

Detailed as “director” on profile. Of just what? Furious Vagina’s irritation?

(Swipes kept)

No account details. Hail to one pic of acne-prone skin. I want to go on and toss legs open obtainable now.

(Swipes remaining)

Satisfied vegan with photo of live cucumber. Manhood likely shriveled and depriving for healthy protein. We’ll simply take Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes left)

Whaaaat. Today they truly are providing me personally women. Swiping kept too fast?

(Swipes remaining much more gradually)

(furious Vagina takes split to get hold of companion “Nongay partner” for emotional words via book.)

“Nongay Wife, I am top the selected folks (otherwise usually Kitteh) through desert like Moses. Looking to obtain liquid or manhood Custodian. I really do not know if I will survive. Please deliver help.”

(Waits for answer and goes on pursuit.)

Oh no! Swiped right accidentally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Not allowed? Fuuuuuck. Hate that ugly guy thinks he could be enjoyed. Fuuuuuck.

(unique inspiration.)

Left-swipage is slowly killing spirit. Must turn to self-swipage for relieving . . .

(furious Vagina requires impromptu break. Was not prepared to come back to knob wasteland anyway.)

(Short while later, back on cellphone application like lab animal.)

Trump supporter. Particular adorable. Can’t. Permit. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes left)

Nipples pointier than mine.

(Swipes left)

Chief Executive Officer of anything? What number of unemployed dudes are there?

(Swipes left)



Yes! Long hair good. Lady-boner states hi.

(Swipes right)

Hair long. Homeless guy.

(Swipes remaining)



College student. Poverty life-threatening to ladyboner. . . must swipe before too late . . .

(Swipes left)

Seems 8 months expecting with Budweiser.

(Swipes kept)

Cluster shot with females! Attempting to persuade myself they prefer you.

(Swipes remaining)

Freelance hot guy. Won’t bang you in moms and dads’ cellar.

(Swipes left)



Plenty sharp teeth. May also have pointy knob. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes remaining)

Convinced each pic in your profile is actually various man. Enraged Vagina is confused.

(Swipes left)

Weird smiley face. Looks also pleased. Probably serial killer.

(Swipes left)

Hot man great human anatomy. Dull individuality and task. Swipe kept, Angry V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes right)

Over 40 never ever hitched. Depressed self-centered man. 50-50 if great in sack. Meh.

(Swipes kept)

Thanks for revealing level. I understand every little thing I want to understand. Bless you.

(Swipes kept)

Oh no! Mobile perishing! Must swipe remaining! Should. Reject. A Lot More. Mushroom-head-

And simply like this, furious Vagina needs to call it quits during the day until a phone charger are available. Simply for now.

Theoretically, the pushed recovery time enables brand new shaft prospects the chance to swipe close to her profile now, indicating their delusional hope of banging this lady. The majority of will not ever make a difference. However when her own chosen “right-swipes” come back the benefit, otherwise known as the “mutual match”, the plot thickens.

Persistence, Angry V, Patience.



Getting carried on . . .